The beauty of pregnancy...

 Uggggh! What a load of crap! The only thing that was good about being pregnant was knowing that there was a little life inside me that one day I would call my daughter. The mood swings, the cravings, the pains, the aches, the constant dread of gaining weight, the leg cramps, the wobbling, having to stop to catch your breath after walking up 3 stairs, the stretch marks...OH the stretch marks, the way your hips widen, the way your joints feel like they are going to break at any moment, the constant fear of getting bigger and bigger and actually having to push this baby out...

I knew that pushing the baby out would be hard work, but OMG it is harder than any P90X workout or any workout I have ever done in my life, period! It was 10 minutes of the hardest work I will ever do, I do believe. I am glad it only took me 10 minutes. Ohhhh and the contractions!! Contractions are the worst pain anyone could possibly feel. Laying in a bed writhing in pain for hours upon hours, nothing helps, crying doesn't help, breathing doesn't help...if you can even breathe. I didn't know what to expect. I went into it blindly.

Then after you have the baby, no one tells you that you will still look pregnant. No one tells you that you are going to be sooo sore, so physically and emotionally drained, and on top of that you have to take care of a newborn baby that is depending on you. You can hardly walk and it hurts to sit, but some how you find the strength to feed baby, wash baby, hold baby, and love baby.

And just when you finally start feeling a little better, baby gets fussier and fussier. Baby wants to be up all night long and cry. You find yourself getting 1 or 2 hours a sleep a night if you are lucky. Baby needs to eat and be changed every couple of hours. Now I am to the point where she is a good little sleeper, and a smiley happy girl and I just enjoy every second with her...but it has put the focus on me. Now that I do have time to look in the mirror and see what my body has become, I am not happy. I need to get back that attractive feeling!!

Overall it was not that bad of an experience. Do I want to do it again? NO. I may change my mind. Who knows.

The one thing that keeps me in a constant state of depression is my lack of motivation and drive to workout. I have always loved to workout. I have always had problems losing weight, and now that I am many lbs heavier than before I feel like all is lost. I feel like there is no way that I can lose this weight. I know that I can and I know that I will...I have to! It just seems like a huge feat. I feel so defeated. I know that I had a baby and I should embrace the baby body I have now until I get back into shape but it has come to the point where I am even embarrassed to leave my house because I don't want people to see me. You don't just gain weight during pregnancy. You gain concentrated weight on your belly, and your skin stretches to it's max capacity and beyond leaving you with saggy, scarred skin and extra fat, it is the most depressing sight. Before I got pregnant I was in good shape, my tummy was tight and and my body was awesome...of course I didn't think so then but now looking back at photos I wish it is what I looked like now. I just feel so unattractive. Ugghh. Something has to be done, but even what I do will not fix everything.

Stay tuned for more...